Rag is on the 6th of August. I’m looking forward to it mainly because it promises to be fun. Only if i stay up late and help make the rag stuff. Which i am happy because i did today! I made a huge flower about a metre in diameter for performance props. And well, my useless hands have actually managed to construct something. yay! I guess you really do learn new things at rag. And yea i learned how to fold paper flowers though im still not very good at it.

On another note, my romantic bone is longing to kick in. Though its probably not the right time for it. Haha. Oh well, save the glory for the last! I’m feeling a little too old to be affected by as HT would put it “small shit”. Though i cant help but wonder if it is indeed part of what makes a relationship hold. I cant claim to know everything, especially about stuff in which i failed in. So yes, new knowledge to the forefront, even if it may not be true. We shall find out anyway.

This camp has been a journey more of self-understanding as compared to making friends. Through, making friends is the main point of the camp, but i invested some personal effort and of course i gained some insight into my character, into michel as a social object. And this is where it gets interesting.

I am fickle. No doubt about that. My feelings change and sway with the wind. But you must understand this, that i am keenly aware of my emotional state and responses, so when my emotions and feelings swing like the fickle thing they are, it is rather disconcerting. So i have decided, that michel is one who can hardly be trusted to keep matters of his heart to himself and to look after himself properly. I am not to be trusted. Yet somehow i am sure, that what i do on the outside will not vary one inch. I am who i am afterall, and no amount of introspection will change my phenotype.

Another thing i learnt about myself, is that if i am sufficiently motivated, i can do things that i dislike, and do it well. For one thing, i am highly averse to commitment and planning. I like to live things by the ear, not to plan and not to be relied upon. I guess maybe thats part of the reason why i feel insecure. Of course, self analysis says that i dun want to be relied upon because i am afraid of letting people down. But for Martiny, i organise outings and make group decisions and count myself in for everything. And the question here is what is the change, and it must be sufficient motivation.

I’m starting to think that Love-at-first-sight doesnt exist. And yes here is where it gets complicated because for one i hesitate to mention things close to the heart. But here i will make a stand, i will not give in easily, i will not rationalize my actions. No. If u want her, you gotta fight for her. I’m not going to be a nice guy at the expense of my happiness, so yes. Im here. And if u can win me, you can have her. If you cant, too bad.

Im trying to decide if i should go for Campus crusade camp. I should right? God?

Regarding the fiasco over City harvest I have just one thing to say. God will take care of his house, he will not let evil enter it. All you should do is have faith in the church and it will stand strong. Dissenters, doubters, you who can stand and say out against your own church, you are sinners for you doubt the very house of the Lord. Have faith, stand up, be strong, and say that you trust in the Lord no matter what the world may bring.

There are many things right now going on in my life that i hesitate to blog here. I gotta disappoint you guys(my loyal readers who still read on even though there’s like a really long time in between posts).

The reason i do not want to blog is because it refers to people around me that i am likely to see or think about everyday and therefore it feels hypocritical to me if i talk about them anywhere say even here. Its a metaphorical talking behind the back and i wouldnt do that to you my dear friends.

So i shall talk in loopholes and more like refer to my feelings. If you can read in between the lines then go ahead and do so.

It is indeed weird coming out of army and going to uni. You get this feeling… that there seem to be more girls everywhere. hahahaha. Trite but true indeed. And i think its so much easier to talk to strangers in uni than compared to JC or Sec school. Den again of course we are now all mature people and can easily handle talking to strangers. Then again it might just have been the people in TJC.

I am right now in the midst of learning a very important lesson. The very interesting thing about this lesson is that if i learn it very well and complete the learning of it to the very end, i will not ever need to use the lessons again. And if i dont learn it right, im gonna be sad.

So yes. I am now a very humble student in the lessons of life. And i wonder if for all my vaunted deep thinking, glib tongue and confidence talking, am i up to the task? Or will you be a greater challenge than i can handle?

For the past few days i have been trying to think about the possibilities in my life from God’s point of view. I am pretty sure that he knows what each and action is available to me and what will happen if i take whither path. I am quite certain after parsing several thoughts that God does not know which option we will take. Although this contradicts the properties of Panomnipropus (possessing of all Omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent) this would violate his tenet of Free Will. Either that is the case or God has a map laid out before him of all the possible paths, and following my own theory, his observation of the path causes us to take that path(hence violating the law of Free Will, but i see no way around it). I guess its up to us to believe and have faith on what happens. And the more i think about it the more i am certain that God has a plan for everyone and it is up to us to believe that that plan is there and just take things in life with a pinch of salt and a headlong stride.

For example the other day something terrible bad happened to me and i was in a hurry to go home. There was one taxi driver who did a three point turn in front of me. But somehow or other he was so blur or blind that he did not notice me waving and waving at him. Indeed, he completed his three point turn and drove ahead and picked up another passenger down the road. At this point in time, i was so angry i wanted to do several things, among which would be to walk up to the taxi, kick the door and give him the magic finger. But this only occured for a moment as i realised God was there beside me. And the truth that hit me next was this. Just because 2 bad things happens one after another to me, doesnt mean that God hates me or that i am uber suay. Sure bad things happen, but they are there to teach you a lesson. And this taxi driver not noticing me might seem like a bad thing at first but i thought about it and it might actually be a good thing. If the taxi driver is so blur as to not notice me, he might not even know the way to my house. And so i stood there and decided there and then that i would trust that God has a better plan for me. And true enough another taxi came round the corner and this guy knew where i stayed and got me home without a hitch.

There is this situation that i hope will happen but i have given it a chance of success lying at 0.2%. So yes, if it happens, then i shall believe we live in a very special world. Where an event that is given a chance of happening at 0.2% actually happens. And so far, to my immense surprise a good 25% chance of it has happened. So according to my calculations, it has a remaining chance of 0.8% happening. Indeed let us find out, in this living experiment, whether the world we live in is so special.

And yes, whether i am special.

Despite my less than enthusiastic response towards reading the bible and being committed to a church, i honestly believe that God exists and looks after me. It may seem quite weird that i can come to this conclusion yet not commit to an institution that God instructs me to. But hey, if i knew the answer why, i’d be in church already.

There have been many times in my life where i have almost died. And i am utterly convinced (till the day that i die in some ignominous accident) that God is watching over me and protecting me. It is one thing to think that God exists and another to brush shoulders with death and realised how easy it is to die and how fragile the immortality of youth actually is. And i am determined that if it should be so that my stay on earth be a brief and short one, than at least let me impart this lesson to people around me. Make use of your life, because every second REALLY counts. And it is one thing to brush shoulders with death once and another to do it multiple times and think that it is sheer coincidence and not realise that a higher power is protecting you.

People are nice to me. Really really nice to me. And i wonder if i am indeed worthy of it. I have so many flaws that i can hardly believe anyone actually likes me… perhaps i only think they do or they do not really know me. But of course, as a psychologists, i know that this is called Insecurity. Or if you like, Paranoia.

Indeed if i am so worried about my health, we could throw in Hypochondria as well. We do know that In the Diary of Adrian Mole by Sue Townsend that Adrian Mole is a hypochondriac. However i wonder if it is like the mad argument “a truly mad person does not think he is mad” does it become akin to “a true hypochondriac does not think that he is a hypochondriac”. However, thinking you are mad is completely different from a slight fluttering of anxiety about your mental stablility. Often it starts there, so dont start thinking that just because you wonder you are mad, doesnt mean you are not mad. I realise this may be unassuring, but well TOO BAD. live with it.

And now the time has come for me to make a decision, whether i should let you go or hold on to this. Because my emotions are swinging like a pendulum in a hurricane. But to let it go, would let all go to waste and i do not wish for it to be so. And once again, there are distractions all around me. Who am i supposed to believe? I guess… i’ll leave it to God. Yet here is a decision for me to make, and blind trust doesnt do any good when an imminent decision is required of you. It just helps in your mindset and worldview.

And it is time for me to go to sleep. I shall make the very best of this life that God has given to me.

Dance like no one is looking,

Love like you’ve never been hurt.

~If Zarek can find his Astrid, i am sure i can find mine too

And its almost like im mentally preparing myself for this. For this whole week i have living a life of peace, isolation and its really food for the soul. I feel more… whole. Just, me, my computer and my notes. I know im gonna be swept away in the coming weeks, blown off my feet and scattered to the 4 winds. I cant wait for it, yet i know i will dread being in it, run ragged to the ground. So now is preparation time.

And i really really cant wait for USP results to be out. I sosososo want to get in. End may. Arrgh. Come, dont come, come, dont come. I want my results to come but i dun want end may to come… because it means psych exam is coming! And driving… gah. I have driving later… and im gonna be shagged because of it.

Sch has just begun n im feeling the stress. Not so much for lessons (i suspect i will start to feel the strain from next week onwards). My study stamina is dam short. Read abit then fall asleep. 2 years in army has really turned my brain to tauhuay. Although i must say my talking skills have not degenerated (interview went well!).

Today i feel proud of myself. Not to mix up between pride and ego. But its pride because i have overcome an obstacle. During dance class, patrick asked me to demonstrate last week’s dance impromptu. He goes 5,6,78 and starts singing chinese new year songs. wth right. but it was just there to keep the beat. And my mind blanked out. Violation of expectation (yea i mean who on earth prepares  for situations like this!!?). Well anyway my body went ahead and did the dance perfectly, even lending on the last step and the right moment(a problem which i had during class last week). I am happy. My commitment to dance has not let me down. I have proven that i am ultimately in control of my body and there is not problem a good application of brains, will and practise can overcome. It shows that my body and mind integrates the dance after class because i must admit, for this week, i did not practise at home at all.

Aside from that, i have encountered a personal experience which lends me a feeling of uncertainty. I feel like a teenager all over again. My sense of control is gone, but this shows to me that sometimes following your head all the time can not be a good thing. The heart must lead some time. And though i am wont to say, but im wishing for strength, wisdom and patience.

Grace messaged me this “Give your all, don’t hold back, be honest and trust God.”

Haha i wish i could do that. Trusting God has never been easy. And i know he has never stopped trusting in me. But i must admit, that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. So i pray that God will let all things move in its own time, and own season. I may not be able to see it now, but i shall put forth this trust to him that whatever happens happens for a reason, all but small parts of a greater whole, the plan he has for my life.

Check yourself. If u sigh all the time, you are stressed. And i have been sighing much of late. Yet no solution seems to stand in sight. Where are the people i need when i need them?

I wish the world was black and white. Everything would be simpler, no “Frienemies” as they call it in NUS. But life is rarely like that, and i must admit one weakness that has grown in my due to NS. I am rather volatile and react quite combustionably and aggresively. One would think that i am on Roid Rage. Unfortunately, that would be too simple an answer. I have yet to understand this weakness about myself.

However, since i am taking psychology, it seems meet to me to psychoanalyse myself. Hmmm… which clinical therapy do i need?? I just need…. you.

I think that we are all a sum of our experiences… and more.

In my life i have at different times been and still am for some; a warrior, a soldier, a dancer, a candle, a student, a teacher and a fighter. And i realize that who I am now still has a few remnants from the rock solid determination of my past. I have ethics, a personal code i cannot and will not break. And that makes me glad that i have something to anchor onto.

I dont know if anything i am saying now actually makes sense to a sane person. But the poet tends to come forth when one is twitterpaited. And yes, literature students, suck on that. Bambi owns you, shakespeare.

I sometimes wonder, what will it be like to cut loose. There is i think, psychosis residing in all of us. In times of dire stress, need, or violation of expectation, this psychosis can come forth. I wonder what will it be like, to beat someone to death. I wonder what will it be like to fight in a dueling cirle and know that only you or your opponent will survive. I wonder what it would be like to have all the problems in the world solidify into something physical u can beat the crap out off. (yes i know, i noticed im more and more aggressive nowadays…. blame NS). Perhaps life as a gladiator was simpler. Primal, tough, but ultimately simpler. U beat the bad guys and you go home.

But what scares me the most is the mindset. The mindset that when you are angry and let loose all your inhibitions. I think that it really is possible to project onto the person standing against you (whether benevolent with misguided intentions or mildly malevolent) all the woes you have faced. All the difficulties, problems, humiliations, stress, anger and hate.

Though the Lord commands us to let go. I doubt the human mind can really let go but more likely suppress. And one day, you find a body floating on the waters and you realise too late, that the person was not really at fault. Just a victim of timing, circumstance and an ugly face. Kinda just the way we all are victims of the world, scarred ugly by nobody’s fault.

Ignorance is not an excuse. Its nobody’s fault. And one day, i’d really like to meet this nobody.

I want to go to Republic of Ireland. In case some of you are unsure, most of the bombings and stuff take place in Northern Ireland so Republic of Ireland is safer. Northern Ireland and Republic of Ireland are both on the same island but Republic of Ireland occupies five sixths of the island and is and independent country while Northern Ireland is part of UK.

I want to tour ireland and walk through all the places where famous Irish legend and feats have occured. I want to visit the Stonehenge. Giants causeway. Ulster (this is in Northern Ireland though. Ulster is where Cuchullain came from, the most famous irish hero of all time. His name meant the Hound of Ulster.) I want to walk visit Moy Tura. Sit in an Irish bar and chat up an Irish girl. I want to wear an Irish kilt. I want to speak Irish with a local and listen to Irish legends by word of mouth. I want to sit on top of an honest-to-goodness Irish Sidhe mound. I want to hunt for snakes in Ireland (reputedly there are no snakes in Ireland because their Patron Saint, Saint Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland). I want to wear a shamrock, pluck a three leaf clover and visit their CASTLES!!! I want to eat Tea and Biscuits while looking at beautiful scenery. Country Kerry, here i come!

Dam. Everything is now thus interrupted because i just found out that Changes by Jim Butcher is out. Imma gonna call Kino tmr and phone order one. Woots.

And yes this is protein powder. I have decided to go on a muscle building routine. My aim is to put on at least 5kg of muscle in the next 2 months or so…

And now im having difficulty putting on contact lenses. I know i can do it because i’ve done it twice before. But oh well. My right eye is still sore. Luckily for me i was able to find all my eye stuff amidst the mess that is my room.

Anyone with tips on acne and putting on contacts can drop me a comment

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I’m enjoying dance more n more. Although I ain’t as good as I wanna be. But then thats how you know that you have a target to achieve and can mark your progress against.

I think that im gonna have a very demanding year ahead. And im having a great deal of slack now. Preparation is called for except for one little difficulty. I dunno what to prepare for. In any case, I know this. I have to go sleep now. Hopefully things will sort themselves out tmr.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. [And when the stars grow cold and silence reigns in the depths once again.] Only three things shall remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I will quote from a dear friend of mine, Eugene. That “love sets you free.”

And so i shall write a little poem on love here, dedicated to a friend of mine who cant be identified for reasons unknown to all but the most acute of minds.

Love doesn’t blind,

Infatuation does.

Love doesn’t bind,

Mistrust does.

Love accepts all faults,

Love sets you free.

Love is that way by default,

Love makes you all that you can be.

I recall, in a book somewhere (most probably Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom), the author’s father had left a few words of wisdom for him and the words were to this effect to basically go out every night and do things. And that things in return will happen to you and that your life will become interesting and meaningful.

Dance tonight was interesting. Not the lesson. The lesson was kinda boring. Doing to same dance as last week. Was looking forward to learning new moves. But after dance, we had a little surprise birthday party for Haikal. Very fun. And quite a number of funny pictures i expect to be up on facebook soon

Well, funny pictures of me at any rate.  For the past few days i’ve been drafting a post in my head regarding the nature of knowledge and experience. But i think its too scholarly for my mood now. Not in any mood to be serious. Just well emo.

I guess i cant really say everything out here. Mostly because whatever i say out here will definitely affect my life, somehow. So yes if u havent guessed, im quite a closed up guy. Whatever i may post here, are what i’ve done. You’ll notice not much is on how i feel. I guess no one will ever know that side of me.

No matter how many times i make the mistake. I still do it. You’d think i’d have learnt by now? No. That makes me stupid and in the lower percentile of the learning curve. I guess, i may be smart. But im not wise at all. I may be brave, but foolhardy also. I may be confident, but lack self-esteem. Im patient, but i have an explosive temper. I dont complain, because i lock it up all inside. And one day, the centre cannot hold.

I don’t know how to describe it. This past few months of silent torment. As i ache inside and fight a mental affliction i cannot understand. Its like a diseased miasma that lives inside the core of me. On normal days, i function like an average dude. But when some people say a certain something, do a certain something, remark or comment in some manner, there is a deep pause within me, as though something is struggling to get through. My brain shuts down for awhile and i wonder… what is it that I have forgotten? What is it my soul screams and shouts for my mind to hear but i cannot recollect?

I guess this leaves me with many marks on my psyche. I sometimes wonder… if i could see myself from without, what would i conclude. When i take the yardstick and measure myself against it… will i fall short of my own expectations?

I suspect as much.

I want to quote something from C.S. Lewis.

If I find in myself
desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude
that I, I was not made for here

Food for thought indeed. If i seek gratification. It must mean i lack something. No doubt sigmund freud would have something nasty to say about this, but perhaps what im seeking is release from this world. An answer to the deeper meaning.

Have you ever felt that moment when you solve a complex math equation. At that particular moment you KNOW how to solve it. Your mind clears pass a mental block and your brain rushes on ahead of your hands. Your mind spelling out the workings and equations while your hands hurry to catch up and ink the answers out on paper. I fancy, that i can do that to the universe. Look at it, and unravel the secrets in a single moment of understanding.

Now im sitting in my computer room. The remains of a packet of ruffles on the table. An empty cup sitting on the table. Its hot, i only have a fan blowing at me. Im sweating. Im dirty. Im tired. Yet my brain does NOT want to go upstairs and sleep. Im feeling sloth and fatigue and ALL i can think about is how lousy im feeling now. Sometimes i think philosphical buddhism has a few rings of truth. The less attachments you make, the less you can be hurt. Simple logic indeed. But wisdom when u apply it to life. Still, the optimist in me cries out that thats no way to live life.

I need a purpose. I need a life. I need…. i need. Its not I want. Its I need.

Sometimes i think i never got over you. Sometimes i think i never needed you. Sometimes i think, i lost part of me the day i let go. Sometimes i think it was a mistake. Sometimes i think its a learning experience. And sometimes i think… I loved you.

And then, i recall what i learned from you. And it just makes me upset. The number of people who made fun of me in the past. The number of people who humiliated me. The number of people who stepped on me when i was down. The number of people who left me when i needed them most. The number of people who spoke about me behind my back.

And it all meshes together. Making them synonymous with you. And i ask myself where does sanity end and violence begins. And then i ask myself the biggest question of all.

Since when did i start caring about what people think? Since when!!? And i realize. The day you left me, is when.

And now. For better or worse. For good or bad. For right or wrong. I WILL NOT BE LAUGHED AT. I WILL NOT BE WEAK. I WILL NOT GIVE IN. I WILL NOT PRETEND TO NOT HEAR YOU WHEN YOU (referring to those 2 bastard assholes behind me in the queue at astons)  SNIGGER BEHIND MY BACK.

I WILL TAKE THE CLOSEST HARD OBJECT AND BEAT YOU UNTIL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CANNOT LAUGH EVER AGAIN. I WILL BEAT YOU SO HARD BLOOD COMES OUT OF YOUR NOSE, EYES AND EARS.

And i have the arrogance to believe I am right? The surety of self to engage in acts of violence? I question myself and my sanity. And they say a person who thinks he’s mad is not mad. I beg to differ. A mad person may suffer from paranoia and hypochondria (which are both mental illnesses) which include the possibility of the person thinking that he is mad. And this effectively defines me as being neurotic.

On that note i shall proceed to take myself upstairs. Throw myself into a hot shower and mentally batter myself into unconscious sleep.

Most of the TTC peeps are busy with studying and though I am not averse to studying i cant bring myself to study when im about to start school proper in a month’s time. Dear dennis now has a beloved girl to take care off and love. Sweet. I feel kinda jealous? At the same time happy for him. And den throw in guilty for feeling that im jealous of my friend’s happiness. Well at least, I’ll be the bestman

Me? I feel wasted. Like my life has so far been wasted. That is of course in terms of friends. Sometimes i feel like going through my msn and facebook contacts and delete about half of them off. Quite a number of people have shown that i cannot trust them. And so i shall endeavour to use the term “friend” more carefully in the future.

Having slacked for so long, enjoying myself i can say that it is a tremendous refreshment to my soul. To just not work yourself to death like i have been doing the past 14 years or so. There’s more to life than studying.

I just spent the whole of today watching SNSD’s Horror Movie Factory on Youtube. Sadly i have finished all the episodes which apparently only hit 6 episodes before going bust. It was very funny so i cant imagine why it went bust. Maybe they ran out of ideas…. hmmm.

Got more use to the girls. Now perhaps i can identify them from the MVs. I must say that i am very impressed with their characters. I thought after watching the vids I would be able to identify the girl i like best. but not so.

Some girls are very rare. People like Ana. Not self-conscious, enthusiastic, willing and spontaneous. I like this special quality and it seems quite rare in the girls i meet. However, i forgot to take into the account that SNSD is a combination of excessively talented girls handpicked and tested before put into Girls Generation. They ALL have this quality. Well, that and they’re pretty. But pretty isnt everything. You can meet a pretty and vacant girl and the only impression you are going to get is pretty vacant.

A brief review of their characters. (sadly yoona did not participate in the episodes…

Taeyeon – Leader of SNSD, short and brave.

Jessica – Short, cute and has a temper.

Hyuyeon – Very good dancer and confident.

Sooyoung – Tall and slightly arrogant. Teases harshly, but also very persevering.

Seohyeon – Prettiest of the lot. Very polite and well mannered girl. Quiet and reserved.

Yuri!!! – Looks very similar to seohyeon, very good actress. Is able to change her personality back and forth according to script. Playful and cheerful, she’s adorable to the max.

Sunny! – Very very very brave girl. Acts very well too. She held a mudfish with her bare hands! zomg.

Tiffany – Mmm tall and i cant remember anything else. Didnt stick in my memory i guess. lol.

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So yes, go watch Horror Movie Factory (HMF) if ur free. You’ll enjoy it. Good thing about youtube is that they arrange the vids in order for you so you dont have to go keep searching for the next vid.

I don’t like the person i’m becoming. I must thank pastor Kong Hee for shining a light on the darker aspects of my personality. I shall do my very best to change for the better. In the meantime though, it would be wise not to get on my wrong side.

Well i did learn something from easter service. Ask in faith. haha.

Dear God, send me someone like Yuri. Amen.

I’m wondering what is the objective im going to achieve in this month. I shall set an objective for every month from now on. Driving will be completed in June (means this month must book 10 lessons for june and TP date). Properly get NUS Prereg done properly. Means im gonna go get a new printer tomorrow. Dance every week (yeah already doing it. Patrick and Farah have advised me to join NUS Blast. However, im deciding against it. Do not want to face the stress of dancing. To me, dance is about enjoying the feeling. When you dance, its like feeling the rythm of the universe.) Work out more. That reminds me im gonna go work out now. haha. Ciaoz everyone goodnight.